middleofnowhere

Children all around the world grow up playing games like tag, dodge ball and hide and seek. Imagine for a moment that your every waking moment was a giant game and you had no choice but to participate.Such is the life of beloved children’s character Waldo. Or at least it was until recently. Citing such reasons as burnout and increased homicidal tendencies, Waldo, it seems, has gone underground.

“I know some people are going to see this as a giant publicity stunt,” says Waldo, from an undisclosed location. “But honest to God, it’s one hundred percent legit. Don’t come looking for me. Seriously.”

“Do you know how stressful it is that no matter where you go, how big a crowd you’re in, that you have to deal with complete fucking strangers jabbing you in the chest with their fingers screaming ‘I found him!!’? continues Waldo.

While the frequency of such unpleasant encounters has diminished in recent years, the toll of never knowing when someone would find him started to wear Waldo out.

“They were coming into my home. Following me on vacation. They’re like a pack of wild dogs - like the god damned paparazzi” sighs Waldo. “I suppose part of this is my own fault for wearing the same stupid clothes for over 20 years. But no more. I burned all of my striped shirts, the toque - everything. Even had lasik surgery so I wouldn’t need glasses.”

So what about those thousands of people who will continue to ask “Where’s Waldo?”

“Fuck ‘em,” says Waldo. “Fuck them right in the eye.”