middleofnowhere

Children all around the world grow up playing games like tag, dodge ball and hide and seek. Imagine for a moment that your every waking moment was a giant game and you had no choice but to participate.Such is the life of beloved children’s character Waldo. Or at least it was until recently. Citing such reasons as burnout and increased homicidal tendencies, Waldo, it seems, has gone underground.

“I know some people are going to see this as a giant publicity stunt,” says Waldo, from an undisclosed location. “But honest to God, it’s one hundred percent legit. Don’t come looking for me. Seriously.”

“Do you know how stressful it is that no matter where you go, how big a crowd you’re in, that you have to deal with complete fucking strangers jabbing you in the chest with their fingers screaming ‘I found him!!’? continues Waldo.

While the frequency of such unpleasant encounters has diminished in recent years, the toll of never knowing when someone would find him started to wear Waldo out.

“They were coming into my home. Following me on vacation. They’re like a pack of wild dogs - like the god damned paparazzi” sighs Waldo. “I suppose part of this is my own fault for wearing the same stupid clothes for over 20 years. But no more. I burned all of my striped shirts, the toque - everything. Even had lasik surgery so I wouldn’t need glasses.”

So what about those thousands of people who will continue to ask “Where’s Waldo?”

“Fuck ‘em,” says Waldo. “Fuck them right in the eye.”

Setting; The Death Star 2.0, Emperor’s Chambers

Palpatine: Lord Vader, I trust that you’ve overseen the design and production of the armour upgrade for our Storm Troopers. Vader: I have, Master.

Alex Rodriguez probably thought that the worst was over when yet another story, one of helping opponents for personal gain was reported last week. Looks like that isn’t quite true - whoops!

The latest allegation to be leaked in the upcoming book on troubled baseball superstar may be the most damning yet. According to sources, during the off-season Alex Rodriguez is known to fly to the remote regions of China for the sole purpose of hunting Giant Pandas.“I don’t know where he gets it from but that dude has got a serious hate on for those black and white bears,” says an inside source. “The only way I can describe it is bloodlust. Plain and simple.”

According to this source, those in A-Rod’s inner circle have known about this hobby since he joined the Yankees, but new information shows that Rodriguez may have been hunting and killing the endangered animals as far back as high school.

“I’m not sure why he does it,” continues the source. “But I guess he figures it would be pretty cool to be the guy to complete kill of a species.”

When reached for comment on the newest allegations, Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner stated “Oh for fuck’s sake. Come on!”