middleofnowhere

I like the concept of Earth Day, I really do. What ticks me off though is how many people feel like they’re doing their part by being environmentally responsible by thinking of Mother Earth one day a year. Get over yourselves, ya lazy bums.

Still, one day a year is better than none and as such, here’s a list of ways you can make this Earth Day special.

1. Eat a Lumberjack

Make sure you’re as humane as possible about it, but trust me - there’s nothing as tasty as wild game. Lumberjack stew is a tasty treat each pot saves hundreds of trees. Mmm mmm.

2. Turn every conversation you have into a preachy lecture about the environment.

Here’s a sample;

Friend: Hey buddy! I haven’t seen you in a while. How are ya doing?

You: I’m better than the planet, that’s for sure. I’m not being raped daily. Polluted. Abused. Strip-mined. Did you know that every second of every day, 10 trees are cut down? And do you know how many are replaced? Do you? one! Can you believe that??  And you know what else?

Friend: No, I…

You: The amount of carbon produced by the average family of four in North America is 15 tons. Tons! Do you know what I think would help? I’ll tell you. CUtting back on all that carbon. It’s so simple!! I just..

Friend: Oh look, my bus (throws self in front of it)

3. Make embarrassingly impractical crafts out of your trash and then give them to your friends, obligating them to keep your garbage. Hilarity ensues.

4. Drive around town throwing litter out of your Hummer’s window.

This gives your environmentalist friends something to do. Plus, a Hummer holds a lot of trash!

5. When someone says “Happy Earth Day” reply loudly “You’re such a Gaylord!”, in honour of Senator Gaylord Nelson, creator of Earth Day back in 1970.

True story. Coolest Gaylord ever. No wait…first Gaylord Perry, then this guy.

6. Convince Electro to move into your community.

Energy crisis? Not anymore, baby!!

7. Show up all of those “100 Mile Diet” losers, with your “100 Foot Diet”.

Eat any and everything that is grown or happens to come within 30 metres or so of your house. For me, that would include a decent amount of veggies and herbs, birds such as crows (ick) and pheasants (mmm) and Jehovah’s Witnesses (depends how they’re prepared).

8. Trade in all of your modern appliances for older, energy efficient ones.

Washboards, enslaved minorities and women all will perform most domestic tasks at a fraction of the power. Helps the environment and saves money!

9. Plant everything you can possibly plant.

Walk around town with a shovel (bonus points if it’s a snow shovel or scoop) and ramdomly pick things up, dig a hole as nearby as possible, and plant them. Then exclaim “I can’t wait to see my (insert name of object here) tree grow!”

10. Two words - cattle brands.

Ask people if they know what day it is. If they know, yay! If they don’t, brand ‘em! A witty statement such as “Bet you won’t forget it next year!” will be sure to get a chuckle out of them.

April first is a jackass’s delight. It’s the one day a year you can be the prick you are the other 364 and yet pass of your behaviour as acceptable by adding the tagline “April Fools!”. That being said you do have some leeway but there are limits to what you should and shouldn’t do. Here are ten jokes that may be pushing things a little too far (at least in the opinions of your friends).

10. Planting drugs on someone.

This is particularly uncool just before they go through airport security or cross international barriers. Body cavity searches are never funny to the recipient.

9. Ransoming their vehicle/pet/child.

Anything that can end in your own felony conviction or a bloody shootout is probably better left undone. Isn’t it?

8. Travelling back in time and killing their parents preventing them from ever existing.

Logistically, this is very difficult to pull off. It’s bad enough that this joke requires murder (see above), but by erasing your friend’s very existence you don’t get to see the look on their face when you pull it off.

7. Throwing acid in their face.

Oh sure, it could give you both a few chuckles once the initial shock wears off, but - acid is expensive!

6. Ruining their credit.

Lots of legwork involved in forgery, identity theft, etc. And for what? Once their credit is ruined, they can’t really lend you money or buy you things.

5. Burning down their house.

Even if they have good insurance, this is a bit much.

4. Travelling forward in time, finding out how and when they die, travelling back in time and telling them the exact details and then giving them the nickname “cyclops”.

If you don’t get this one, read up on your mythology. Learn something today.

3. Contacting several crime families and identifying your friend as a “snitch”.

Collecting the price on their head is also way offsides.

2. Entering them in Mortal Kombat.

If you’ve done your research, you know how many of the contestants are mystical and even not human. Putting your friend into this contest, even though it’s bound to be pretty funny, is just too much.  Unless they have to fight Johnny Cage. Then they might win.

1. Complete reconstructive surgery while they are sleeping.

Even if they are really heavy sleepers you should maybe stick with putting their hand in some warm water or something. At most, maybe some botox or a nose job. Know your limits.