Mar 18 2009
Pontificating with Ben! with His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI
Dear Ben,
I’m a woman and my dream is to become a priest in the Roman Catholic church. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Confused in Calcutta
Dear Confused,Bwahahahahahahahaha. Woooo. Seriously? Um, you might be s.o.l. I suppose you could get a penis attached and assume a false identity. Or, as Hamlet might say - “Get thee to a nunnery!”. Lol. Good luck!
Dear Ben,
I’m a devout Catholic and have been an active member of my local Parish for most of my life. I’m now in my late 20’s and have recently come to terms with the fact that I’m gay. I’ve never acted on these urges but I wonder how I can reconcile my feelings with my faith? Any suggestions?
Thanks,
Scared in Sodom
Dear Scared,Ewww. Ewwww. What the hell, dude? I touched your letter - I could catch the gayness from that, you thoughtless freak! You’re soooo excommunicated. Problem solved.
Dear Ben,
I’m a Nazi sympathizer and Holocaust denier who also happens to be pretty high up in the Church. Does this cause you any problems?
Just wondering,
Führerious George
Dear George,You might be surprised how far someone with alleged ties to the Nazi’s might go in the Church these days (wink, wink). Ask yourself these questions - 1) Am I a woman? 2) Am I gay? If you answered “no” to both of these questions, we’re cool.
Dear Ben,
I’m a health official working in Africa and I’ve got to say, I’m a little upset at your recent comments about condoms making the AIDS epidemic worse. What is this based on?
Sick of Holy Poop
Dear Sick,As has been well documented time and time again, the teachings of the Church, including abstinence have had a tremendous effect on reducing the number of AIDS related deaths on the continent (which is also the area of greatest growth for the Church). It’s not like there have been millions of AIDS related deaths there or something!! Wait…hang on, I’m just being handed the latest numbers. Hmmm…Really? 67 percent of the 32 million on the planet? Three-quarters of all deaths related to AIDS occurred there? But that’s down isn’t it….oh, it isn’t? Uh….gotta go!
