middleofnowhere

 Chris: Hey there folks, I’m Chris Wilson

Mark: And I’m Mark Jones. And together, we’re…

Chris and Mark: The Movie Dudes.

Chris: This week we review The Watchmen, the dark brooding graphic novel brought to life. As usual, to do justice to the film I’m reviewing I watched it twice taking in every detail possible.

Mark: I, of course, still haven’t seen the film and actually first heard of it a couple when I overheard a couple of losers geeking out at Starbucks.

Chris: Okay, let’s get down to it. Mark, I for one, was astonished by Jackie Earl Haley’s performance as Rorschach. This psychotic, yet sympathetic anti-hero is one of the most fascinating characters to grace the silver screen in recent years.

Mark: I have no idea what you’re talking about Chris. I am pretty stoked that one of the sweathogs has finally made it to the big screen but I’m a little disappointed that they didn’t have Ron Palilo keep his old role.

Chris: Ron Palilo? Who the hell is…

Mark: Ohh, ohh, ohh …Mr Kotter! Mr Kotter!

Chris: Are you high?

Mark: Rorschach, dude! Arnold Rorschach!!

Chris: Dear Jesus…First. It’s Horshack. And second. I hate you.

Mark: Noted….Moving on! The only thing I can remember hearing those dudes talk about is a blue schlong.

Chris: The nudity of the character Doctor Manhattan was also an eye-opener when the graphic novel was released back in 1986. Director Zack Snyder felt that he wanted to stay as true to the story as possible and made the decision to not shy away from the “little issue” of Manhattan’s full frontal nudity. In this case though, all of the nudity is actually CGI, with actor Billy Crudup not actually required to do the full monty.

Mark: Dude, that is so gay. And you saw it twice? Hahahahaha!!

Chris: Do you have anything else to add to this? Seriously?

Mark: I don’t think so. Run with it, dude.

Chris: Crudup’s performance as the only genuinely super-powered being on earth is also very powerful. Doctor Manhattan is clinging by a thread to his humanity, trying desperately to fit in with people he feels increasingly detached to as well as trying to…

Mark: Distract them with his glowing blue wang?

Chris: Just shut up.

Mark: Overall, The Watchmen sounds like a gay porno, so I’ll give it one star out of five and will likely never see it.

Chris: This movie had some brilliant performances and was true to the novel which should keep avid fans happy. It’s copious amount of blue penis as well as man ass, does make it seem like a gay porno at times, particularly with the two-hour, forty minute running time. 10 minutes of male nudity could easily be chopped by choosier editor. Three stars out of five.

Mark: That does it for this weeks show. Join us next week, when we review Monsters versus Aliens starring…..Sigourney Weaver, maybe? Is that right?

Chris: Tool. Until next week. We’ll see you….at the movies.

Mark: Or possibly in a bar. You know….where ever

Cliches surround us in all aspects of our lives. In fact, I’ll bet you that you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a cliche from where you are right now. It’s interesting that many cliches are just part of our everyday language and yet we have very little idea who originally came up with them in the first place. Some cliches are so old that not only do we not know who first said it, but the true origins of them are actually argued. Who argues about these sorts of things? Assholes, mainly. But, I digress.

In an effort to ingrain myself into the fabric of our societal quilt, I will throw out a few original cliches and see how they stick. If you like one and want to use it, leave a comment to let me know how it was received and if it has caught on in your part of the world.

Disclaimer: Side effects of the following expressions may include severe pummelling, smothering or anal leakage.

1. I’m as happy a priest at a scout jamboree.

Meaning: I’m really, really happy.

2. This is taking longer than an easter egg hunt in an Alzheimer’s ward.

Meaning: This might never end. Ever.

3. You’re such an idiot that I want to rip out my eyeballs and stuff them into my ears so that I will never have to look at you or listen to you again.

Meaning: Self mutilation is a much more pleasant option than dealing with you a moment longer.

4. He’s a few bodies short of a Bundy.

Meaning: I have no idea what this one means. You tell me.

5. She’s so nice, she’d hardly ever anally rape you with a sandpaper covered axe.

Meaning: She’s not very nice.

6. You’re as dedicated as OJ was to finding the real killer.

Meaning: You’re one lazy, lying sack of crap.

 Dear Ben,

I’m a woman and my dream is to become a priest in the Roman Catholic church. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Confused in Calcutta

Dear Confused,Bwahahahahahahahaha. Woooo. Seriously? Um, you might be s.o.l. I suppose you could get a penis attached and assume a false identity. Or, as Hamlet might say - “Get thee to a nunnery!”. Lol. Good luck!

I’m a devout Catholic and have been an active member of my local Parish for most of my life. I’m now in my late 20’s and have recently come to terms with the fact that I’m gay. I’ve never acted on these urges but I wonder how I can reconcile my feelings with my faith? Any suggestions?

Thanks,

Scared in Sodom

Dear Scared,Ewww. Ewwww. What the hell, dude? I touched your letter - I could catch the gayness from that, you thoughtless freak! You’re soooo excommunicated. Problem solved.

I’m a Nazi sympathizer and Holocaust denier who also happens to be pretty high up in the Church. Does this cause you any problems?

Just wondering,

Führerious George

Dear George,You might be surprised how far someone with alleged ties to the Nazi’s might go in the Church these days (wink, wink). Ask yourself these questions - 1) Am I a woman? 2) Am I gay? If you answered “no” to both of these questions, we’re cool.

I’m a health official working in Africa and I’ve got to say, I’m a little upset at your recent comments about condoms making the AIDS epidemic worse. What is this based on?

Sick of Holy Poop

Dear Sick,As has been well documented time and time again, the teachings of the Church, including abstinence have had a tremendous effect on reducing the number of AIDS related deaths on the continent (which is also the area of greatest growth for the Church). It’s not like there have been millions of AIDS related deaths there or something!! Wait…hang on, I’m just being handed the latest numbers. Hmmm…Really? 67 percent of the 32 million on the planet? Three-quarters of all deaths related to AIDS occurred there? But that’s down isn’t it….oh, it isn’t? Uh….gotta go!

10. Saint Patrick

Duh. Interestingly enough, Saint Patrick has never officially been canonized by a pope, meaning he’s not a saint, right? Wrong. He’s on the list of Saints, making him one of the earliest benefactors of the “fake it ‘til you make it school of thought. Congrats!

9. Leprechauns

Specifically , I’m thinking about the murderous leprechaun from the Leprechaun series in the 90’s. Awesomely bad and yet so, so good. There are special places in my heart for Leprechaun: In the Hood as well as Leprechaun 4: In space.

8. Lucky Charms

Horseshoes, four leaf clovers, rainbows!! They’re always after me lucky charms!! They’re magically delicious. (Warning - Consumption of actual horseshoes may result in death).

7. ” ______ Me, I’m Irish” apparel

The first time you see a “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” button, it’s kind of cute. Then you see it some the lumpy, stretched t-shirt of some mule and it becomes less so. Eventually you see “Touch Me, I’m Irish”, “Spank Me, I’m Irish” and finally Irwin, the fat guy in accounting, wearing a “Sodomize Me, I’m Irish” and the charm is truly gone forever.

6. Riverdance/The Lord of the Dance/Michael Flatley

It’s like “Stomp!”. Um, except there’s no props. Oh and there’s more dancers. And the costumes are much, much gayer. And the concept is entirely different. But other than that? Exactly the same.

5. Gaelic

Níl aon sean stoca nach bhfaigheann sean bhróg. There’s hope out there even for you, Ugly, Ugly Man.

4. Irish Stew

Not the actual, traditional dish that by all reports is quite amazing. No, I’m talking about the canned product made by Puritan. I’ve lived on this stuff for pretty much all of my life, which judging by the amount of preservatives etc contained within each can, should be about 45 years, max. They also have another product just called “Beef Stew” which is the exact same thing, but given the choice, I will always buy Irish Stew. Mmmmm.

3. Shillelagh

If the WWE has shown me nothing else, it’s that these babies are great for cracking people with. Any stick with an end actually called “the hitting end” is all right by me.

2. Guinness

You truly have not lived until you’ve had Guinness. Even if it’s the worst experience of your entire life (possible), you can’t really call it a life until you’ve tried Guinness. See the pickle you might find yourself in? Also associated with the world records thingy, which no doubt arose from drunken arguments. “You call tha’ wee thing the begges’ horse in Derry County, Seamus? Me cousin Finn has one twice as beg, don’ ‘e Paddy?”

1. Religious Differences

To grossly oversimplify global political-religious issues, while the United States are so concerned with the entire Muslim-Christian dynamic, there are places where even the Christian-Christian dynamic has worked poorly for many generations. This is the “My Jesus Can Beat Up Your Jesus” or “Jesus Likes Us Better” syndrome.

Honourable Mentions: The colour green, Colin Farrell and House of Pain (Jump Around!)

 Scene: Stereotypical Therapists Office. Middle aged man wearing cords and a sweater is seated in one chair, holding a pen and notepad. The other man (quite large) wearing coveralls and a hockey mask is seated a few feet away. Next to him is a burlap sack with several rusty and/or bloody implements sticking out.

Doctor: So….another Friday, the you-know-what, has come and gone. Did you have a nice weekend?

Jason:…

Doctor: Anything exciting or interesting happen?

Jason: (sighs - puts his face in his hands and slowly rubs)

Doctor: Jason?

Jason: I dunno, doc. I….I wonder I’m stuck in a rut you know?

Doctor: Well….do you think you’re stuck in a rut?

*Ding*

Jason: Oh right. Heh. Thanks.

 Drawing on inspiration from my fellow blogger, The Rog (http://therog.wordpress.com) I’ve decided to help out 80’s Canadian rock sensation Corey Hart by providing him with some other song titles to work with to help reproduce the smash hit “Sunglasses at Night”. Back in the day, Corey Hart showed how cool he was by using an item at the most impractical time thereby rendering it as useless as humanly possible. Ballsy.

That being said, here are some suggestions to help Mr. Hart reclaim his rightful place amongst Canadian rock royalty.

1) I Wear My Sunscreen Indoors - This is the most natural follow up to “sunglasses as night” as it continues with the theme of having no clue what to do with items meant to protect you from the dangers of the sun.

2) I Eat All My Meals in The Morning to Save Time - Someone who wears sunglasses at night is clearly a busy, busy man. If you can get all of your needed caloric intake consumed by 9 am, think of how much more productive you can be during the day.

3) I Try to Put Out Fires With Dry Kindling and Oily Rags - Makes sense to me!

4) I Shave With the Handle of My Razor - You could even use the same music from Sunglasses at Night and save so much time with this surefire hit.

5) I Sleep in My Bathtub and Wash Up in My Bed - The only thing ballsier about a song about how you don’t know the proper use of one item is a song about how you don’t know how to use two. Am I right?

It’s been a long time since I’ve update the old middleofnowhere blog - no real valid excuse other than sheer laziness. I was sick for a couple of weeks, but nothing that should have kept me producing page afer page of mindless drivel.

With that in mind and with St. Patrick’s day inching ever closer, I’ve decided to pay homage to a couple of Saints who really got the short end of the stick in terms of the whole “sacrifice to recognition” ratio.

To start, I present to you Saint Polycarp, Patron Saint of Earaches. Earaches, you ask?  Yup. How does one become a Saint and be handed this title? Perhaps he himself suffered from tinnitis? Maybe he invented the Q-Tip? Close.

At 86, Polycarp was led into the crowded Smyrna stadium to be burned alive. The flames did not harm him and he was finally killed by a dagger. The centurion ordered the saint’s body burned. The Acts” of Polycarp’s martyrdom are the earliest preserved, fully reliable account of a Christian martyr’s death.

Maybe he was stabbed in the ear?