Feb 06 2009
Eight Things I Would Put in the Stimulus Package
Governments on both sides of the Canada-U.S. border are like busy little beavers, hammering out the fine print on stimulus packages that are supposed to rescue our respective economies. I put the chances of success as about the same as George W. Bush and Michae Moore making out. How’s that for a disturbing image?
If I were in charge of the stimulus package and could make everyone agree with me, here are eight things that I would put in it to get things started again.
1 - When a politician lies or breaks a promise, the the first person to point it out with proof gets 1000 dollars.
The best part is that the money doesn’t come from taxpayers, it comes straight off of the politicians salary. The second lie costs two thousand, the third costs three thousand and so on.
2 - We might bail out your company, but first we take out the trash.
If you were so damn stupid that you ran your company into the ground once, why would I give you a bunch of money to do it again? The chances are whoever is making the decisions is still going to piss away the money and the economy will still suck, but we don’t have to be complete idiots. If I showed myself to be a complete boob at my job, is someone going to rush in with a bunch of money and tell me to try again?
3 - If you want help, you show us everything.
Creative accounting and cooking the books is an absolute scourge on our society and somehow we’ve come to accept it as common practice. Governments sell us on bullshit numbers all of the time and we simply accept their lame explanations over and over and over. If the government is giving our money to poorly run businesses, and if they blow it this time or try and get funny with the numbers, every single person who wants to can personally slap the CEO. And come back for seconds.
4 - If your company gets a bailout, your salries come back to earth and bonuses and perks disappear.
Nothing makes me sicker than seeing a company laying off hundreds or thousands of employees, reporting record losses and then rewarding executives with cash bonuses or other incredible perks. If it was my business and someone did that, you know what they’d get? Fired.
5 - If you’re a first time home buyer you don’t pay income tax this year.
I know that this would be used and abused ’til the cows came home, but in a perfect world just think what a leg up this could give young couples and families.
6 - Never again
This is it. Your last chance. If you screw up this time, we absolutely have to let you fail. It’s basic Darwinism - survival of the fittest. If we keep coming to the rescue, you and your dumbass buddies will never learn.
7 - Cars are BOGO for one year.
Everyone loves BOGO sales. Think of the time saved with haggling alone! Why try and get 1000 or two knocked off the price when you know that you’re getting two for the price of one!
8 - Educate the masses
Spend oodles and oodles on teaching people how to be financially more responsible. Offer it everywhere, offer it often and offer it free. There’s no doubt in my mind that this would end up saving money in the long run. And more money as time goes on. Remember how recycling and environmental concerns used to be thought of as pie in the sky? Not anymore and finance is the new environment.
