middleofnowhere

Although some of the controversial wording in the stimulus package has been changed, some Canadians are still worried about what the new administration will do in regards to our relationship. Will we be a booty call? Only called every now and then when you need to get off on our hydro or water? Will it be a return to the “big brother” way of thinking, where we just meekly stand behind you, agreeing with whatever you say while coming out on occasion to hurl an insult before running and hiding behind you again? Maybe we’ll be like the sycophantic hanger- on who tell anyone who will listen what great pals we are but when anyone asks you, you say you have no idea who we are.

Here are some suggestions on how to make us feel better. Our self-esteem could use the boost.

1. During every Presidential address, when it’s over Obama can wave a little Canadian flag and say “Goodnight, Canada”.

Hey, if Tony Kornheiser doing it on ESPN’s Pardon the Interruption makes all us Canadian’s giggle, imagine what a boost we’d get from Obama doing that? It would take mere seconds, but the good feelings would last for generations.

2. Boost the security and defence along our border by 5000 percent.

Then, when asked if this is because you’re worried that our lax immigration laws concern you, answer, “No. They’re just a scary bunch of mother f*@&ers up there.” Having you pretend we’re tough might make us look tough to other countries.

3. Sometimes when we compete against each other in international sports other than hockey, let us win.

Don’t let it be a blowout, because no one would buy that. Make it close, but believable. If that’s possible. If you can only do this once, let it be in next year’s Olympics. We’re the only host country that’s failed to win a gold medal. And we’ve done that twice.

4. On one of your tv shows, make the super smart villain Canadian.

It’s always some super suave euro-type, or some brutal South American drug lord or some crazed, power hungry American. How about showing the darker side of Canadians for once? We could totally pull it off too. I can hear the villain now. “Ok, so like, pay us the 100 million, eh? And we want it all in loonies and toonies.”

5. Keep Celine Dion.

We totally appreciate you taking her in.

6. Allow us on Survivor and The Amazing Race

Considering that something like 94 percent of us already watch these shows, you really have no reason to do this. And I’m sure there are lots of actual laws that make it completely not worth your while to make this happen. But…come on!!! The shows are so popular here that no one has even thought there was any point in doing a Canadian version of either show. Damn.

7. Teach your kids at least ONE thing about Canada.

We’re not picky. Teach them it’s the place ABOVE the United States, not below. Use an accurate map or globe to show them we are actually bigger. Teach them to correctly pronounce “Canada”. Anything! Thanks to cable and satellite tv, most Canadian kids learn far more about the U.S. than Canada. I can’t imagine kids in the U.S. bugging their parents to “please, please, please let me watch the CBC!!”

8. Have more infomercials featuring that Sham-wow guy.

He’s creepy as all get out, but also totally awesome. In fact, just have him do a little something where he talks about Canada for half an hour. Frig, that’d be sweet.

9.Straight swap us Maine for Quebec.

This doesn’t have to be permanent, but I think everyone involved here would appreciate the way things are now a lot more if they had a look at the other side. The States could have a nice little distraction dealing with the separatists, Quebec would see we really do give them a lot of respect and Maine? Well, they know that they did…

10. Start using the metric system.

It really is pretty simple to use and understand. Of course, we still do height in inches and feet generally. And weight in pounds. But trust us - by 215 after 30, on the 40^th of Jungust (Metric time), it’ll seem like old hat.

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