middleofnowhere

Here we are on the eve one of the most constructed and commercialized days of the year. Chocolates, cards and flowers are flying off the shelves at a startling pace, recession be damned! It’s easy to go with the old standbys, but just in case some of you out there really need a return to the basics, here are ten gifts you should avoid giving your loved one this year.

10. An Actual Human Heart

While some people may find it touching, there are several things wrong with this idea. If it’s your own heart - well, you’re dead. Or the undead. And that makes you a pretty lousy valentine. If it’s someone else, you’re either a murderer or in the very least, a grave robber/organ thief. Also not such a great boyfriend/girlfriend by most standards.

9. A Sexually Transmitted Disease

The above picture is the least nauseating I could find. “Oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have.”

8. Membership in a white-supremacist group

I’m really not sure there’s any possible good message you’re sending with this gift. It’s either “I want to share my backwater, racist ways with you, valentine” or, “I think you would enjoy this, you raging bigot”. Probably not a message that will keep the relationship going strong.

7. Killer Bees

I actually am referring to the deadly “Africanized Honey Bee”, but on further review, giving your loved one Jumpin’ Jim Brunzell or B. Brian Blair would also likely end the relationship.

6. A Blind Date With the Octo-Mom

“Listen man, I know the perfect girl for you. She’s young, kinda looks like Angelina Jolie and really wants to go back to school, just like you. Uh, you like kids, right?”

5. A Gift Certificate for Plastic Surgery

I love you just the way you are. Except your face. And your boobs. And maybe the cottage cheese on your thighs.

4.  A Concubine

Oh sure, it seems practical at first. Convenient, affordable, subservient. But then comes the catch. There’s always a catch.

3. Movies About Infidelity

Unfaithful? Guy ends up dead and rolled up in a carpet. Fatal Attraction? She boils the bunny! The bunny I tells ya!!

2. A  Double Date with Chris Brown and Rihanna

oooh.  Too soon?

1. Richard Simmons

Bathroom scales, gym memberships, exercise equipment, etc are all gifts that might be a bit offsides for Valentine’s Day. But I think having Richard Simmons actually show up to surprise your loved one beats them all.