Dec 30 2008
10 Easy to Keep New Year’s Resolutions
In my other life as a counsellor, I often tell people to not bother making resolutions, as they are often unrealistic and easily broken, leading us to feel like failures. If you must make resolutions, make them impossible not to keep. Here’s a list to start you out;
10 - I resolve not to spontaneously combust this year.
Statistically, you’re not very likely to suddenly burst into flames. If it does happen, I’m betting you won’t really care that you’ve broken your own resolution. It’s win-win.
9 - I resolve not to be elected President of the United States this year.
This one is particularly easy this year as the election has already taken place and you can’t win an election that isn’t happening. Also, for people like me who don’t live in the States and weren’t born there, it’s a no-brainer.
8 - I resolve not to fly under my own power this year.
If you’re not familiar with the physiology of it, read up on it. We’re not built for flying. Also, google the cautionary take of Icarus - I’m too lazy to even link it for you.
7 - I resolve not to eat my own face this year.
Who resolves to eat their own face? Just to be safe, promise yourself you won’t. You’ll thank me for it.
6 - I resolve not to become Aquaman this year.
Even if you did resolve to become a superhero this year, you wouldn’t choose Aquaman. He sucks.
5 - I resolve not to memorize the bible this year.
The occassional passage might be cool. Everyone loved Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction quoting the bible. It would have made for a much shittier version if he had quoted the entire thing. But also funny in a way. I guess.
4 - I resolve not to juggle cats.
Should be pretty easy to keep, right?
3 - I resolve not to challenge Joey Chestnut to an eating contest.
Under this same category; I resolve not to challenge Brock Lesnar to a fight and I resolve not to challenge Katie Couric to a belching contest. Trust me.
2 - I resolve not to cure the common cold.
Oh sure, you could try. But think of the economy if you destroy the tissue industry, the vitamin industry and the orange juice industry in one fell swoop. Why bother?
1 - I resolve not to raise and command an army of the undead.
If you’ve really got to do it, just raise a couple. An army of the undead is just overkill. Pardon the pun.
Even I can keep those! Can you imagine “Kleenex” asking for a bailout? lol