middleofnowhere

In the most recent of many dramatic turns coming out of Ottawa, Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe has announced his party’s plan should an election be called when Parliament resumes in January.

“Whether it happens next month, next year or 4 years from now, when the election is called we will be fielding a full slate of candidates across the country,” said Duceppe. “Given how unpopular the other leaders are, I think we could really break some ground in other provinces.”

The Bloc Quebecois are well known as having a very specific goal, the separation of Quebec from Canada. While many people would think that this would be a deterrent from running candidates in other provinces, Duceppe believes it could actually be his ace in the hole.

“It’s pretty simple as far as I can see it, ” explained Duceppe. “Most of Canada is sick and tired of feeling held hostage by a separatist party, so now we’ll give them the opportunity to do something about it.”

When pressed to further explain his paradoxical thinking, Duceppe gave a hearty laugh, pushed aside his poutine and then continued.

“We’ve tried being the balance of power with minority governments, once we were even the Official Opposition and yet, we’re still a part of Canada,” said Duceppe. “The people of Canada have my solemn promise that if we form the Government, we’ll separate right away, call another election and let those other idiots fight it out….again.”

Duceppe mentions that the Bloc Quebecois will use the extended Christmas break created with the prorouging of Parliament to mobilize in ridings throughout Canada.

“It’s actually been pretty easy to find candidates across Canada so far,” said Duceppe. “It turns out a lot of Canadians are behind the idea of shutting Quebec up.”

Early reaction across the country has shown that Mr. Duceppe may be on to something.

“Makes sense to me,” said Earl Spence of Fort MacMurray, Alberta. “Every time I turn around, we’re giving money hand over fist to keep Quebec happy. This way, they cut the purse strings themself. Hell, I’ll run for them myself!”

Similar reactions have been seen coast to coast, as the Bloc Quebecois have seen their popularity soar to 27 percent nationally in the hours since the announcement was made, taking significant chunks out of the Liberals and Conservatives support. Support for the NDP remains at 11 percent, where it has typically been since Jesus was a boy.

When reached for comment, Stephane Dion’s response was deemed unintelligible between his sobs and animal like screams.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper also made a brief statement shortly after Duceppe’s news conference concluded.

“I’m not going to sugar coat this,” said the Prime Minister. “He’s a crazy, crazy french bastard. He’s trying to tear this country apart. And he told me that he once punched a nun in the face.”

Duceppe’s response was just as quick.

“I’ve never claimed to be not trying to tear this country apart,” said Duceppe. “But just two pieces. How many pieces are there with Harper in charge? Think about it.”

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