middleofnowhere

In my other life as a counsellor, I often tell people to not bother making resolutions, as they are often unrealistic and easily broken, leading us to feel like failures. If you must make resolutions, make them impossible not to keep. Here’s a list to start you out;

10 - I resolve not to spontaneously combust this year.

Statistically, you’re not very likely to suddenly burst into flames. If it does happen, I’m betting you won’t really care that you’ve broken your own resolution. It’s win-win.

9 - I resolve not to be elected President of the United States this year.

This one is particularly easy this year as the election has already taken  place and you can’t win an election that isn’t happening. Also, for people like me who don’t live in the States and weren’t born there, it’s a no-brainer.

8 - I resolve not to fly under my own power this year.

If you’re not familiar with the physiology of it, read up on it. We’re not built for flying. Also, google the cautionary take of Icarus - I’m too lazy to even link it for you.

7 - I resolve not to eat my own face this year.

Who resolves to eat their own face? Just to be safe, promise yourself you won’t. You’ll thank me for it.

6 - I resolve not to become Aquaman this year.

Even if you did resolve to become a superhero this year, you wouldn’t choose Aquaman. He sucks.

5 - I resolve not to memorize the bible this year.

The occassional passage might be cool. Everyone loved Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction quoting the bible. It would have made for a much shittier version if he had quoted the entire thing. But also funny in a way. I guess.

4 - I resolve not to juggle cats.

Should be pretty easy to keep, right?

3 - I resolve not to challenge Joey Chestnut to an eating contest.

Under this same category; I resolve not to challenge Brock Lesnar to a fight and I resolve not to challenge Katie Couric to a belching contest. Trust me.

2 - I resolve not to cure the common cold.

Oh sure, you could try. But think of the economy if you destroy the tissue industry, the vitamin industry and the orange juice industry in one fell swoop. Why bother?

1 - I resolve not to raise and command an army of the undead.

If you’ve really got to do it, just raise a couple. An army of the undead is just overkill. Pardon the pun.

I enjoy Christmas. I really do. But there are certain things about the season that just drive me absolutely bonkers. It’s such a paradoxical season trapped between religion and materialism, it truly brings out the bizarreness of our society. Here are some of the things that I think that people need to get straight this holiday season.

Calling Someone Who Hates Christmas a Scrooge

This is one of those common insults you hear thrown about during the Christmas season. What drives me crazy about it is that it makes me want to scream at them “Did you read the whole f*$cking movie or read the entire book or just stop when he’s still an asshole?”. The whole point of the story is that at the end, “nobody kept the spirit of Christmas like Ebenezer Scrooge”. It makes as much sense as saying to an aggressive psychopath “You’re such a Ghandi”.

December 25 is the day Jesus was born!

Nope. Fact is that they don’t have an exact date. And historians agree that they even miscalculated the year (he wasn’t born 2008 years ago, they missed by a couple). Ironically, the date was picked to coincide with the winter solstice or a Roman Festival. 

Calling Someone Who Hates Christmas a Grinch

Again! Do you just stop watching after he steals everything? The point is his heart grows three sizes and he, the Grinch himself, carves the roast beast! Another person who gets screwed by previous bad actions. Did you know the Noble Prize was created because Alfred Noble wanted to be remembered for something other than creating TNT? Maybe the Grinch needs to something that dramatic. Or get a better publicist.

Christmas is about the gifts!

Unless you’re giving someone gold, frankincense or myrrh, you’re breaking away from a pretty old tradition. On the other hand, you can see even back on the very first Christmas, you have the one person who out does the others and the gifts that the recipient really doesn’t know what to do with.

Mary: You really shouldn’t have! The gold is too much…really! (aside to Joseph) What the hell is frankincense? Do you think we can exchange it?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph were your average white folk.

It’s not just this time of year that I notice this, but the abundance of nativity scenes certainly adds to this perception. Even with walking on water, turning water into wine and the miracle of the loaves and fishes, nothing would have gotten Jesus noticed faster than being a white dude in his particular part of the world. As an added touch, most nativity scenes have white angels, white shepherds and a token black wise man, with the other wise men who are also white.

Saint Nicholas is a big fat guy in a red suit that has magical flying reindeer.

This is one of the biggest things that has really changed what Christmas was supposed to mean I think. I don’t have anything against Santa and I love that my kids still believe. But I’m not sure what he really has to do with what Christmas or why his image is about one gazillion times more prevalent than Jesus. And the reindeer part is clearly the result of drugs or what happens when you keep telling a ridiculous lie - you just have to get more bizarre to cover up the inevitable questions.

The Christmas Tree is Significant

I’m sure lots of people out there know the origins of the Christmas tree, but I don’t. I know it’s a pretty safe bet that Bethlehem was not know for it’s evergreen forests. Our holidays have developed some pretty bizarre rituals and traditions (let’s celebrate Easter by having a giant rabbit hide chocolate eggs!) and the tree is no less a head scratcher when you look at the origins of the season.

Some of these things are festive related, others are just things I wish would go away. Just another top ten list I’m generating while waiting in an airport to go visit my parents for Christmas.

10 - Nancy Grace

This woman drives me absolutely freaking bonkers. She thrives on panic and scandal, treats guests that disagree with her with absolute disdain and makes me want to scream everytime I see her. I’m sure she makes good. points from time to time, but sadly I can’t sit through all of the hystrionics to hear them.

9 - The freezing, freezing cold

I know, why in the hell does someone who hates the cold live in Canada? Other than the winters (which last 11.5 months), the weather is quite agreeable. The fact that I had to boost my car twice this morning does not help this point of irritation.

I like my dad’s idea to load a snowblower into the pack of a pickup truck and drive south until somebody asks “Hey, what’s that thing in the back of your truck?” and stay there.

8 - The Last Minute Shopping Crush

My wife loves going out during the last couple of days before Christmas to do some shopping. The malls are jammed with irritated, stressed and generally crazy people. Including us, by default. I would rather throw some glowing embers from the Christmas fire down my pants than continue this ridiculous ritual.

7 - Any More Coverage About Blago

I get it. He sucks. And that hair? Oy. Is it really news that he professes his innocence?

6 - Fruit Cake

I hate it. It smells weird. Looks weird. I’d say it tastes weird, but I could be lying, as I’ve never, ever eaten it. Anything that lasts that long without going bad is a non-consumable item, people.

5 - Bad Family Traditions

Like the one where my mother cooks a huge meal and makes us wait for my brother who is always late to show up with his family. My brother doesn’t care if we start without him and we’re all hungry.

4 - Everyone Getting Sick

This could be the same as bad family traditions, but it’s not like we go out of our way to get sick during Christmas. We’ve rarely had a Christmas where at least one of us wasn’t very sick. Crowded malls and crowded hospitals. Ugh.

3 - Obligations

I don’t like feeling like I really have to do things. It’s funny how many people talk about how they plan on relaxing during the holidays and yet are busier than imaginable over the Christmas break.

2 - Gremlins

They get into everything. They’re messy. And they even got poor Mrs. Deagle. Well…maybe she deserved it.

1 - Lousy Christmas Movies

I’m all about the classics - The Grinch (cartoon version please), It’s a Wonderful Life, The Santa Clause. But there are many, many movies that actually most likely contribute to the high rates of depression at Christmas time.

I’ve been enjoying Top Ten Lists as well as adding a visual component to my blog, so given the season, I give to you, my reader, 10 really, really bad Christmas gifts.

10 - A Divorce

Christmas is known as the season of the highest rates of depression, binge drinking/drug use and even suicide. Imagine your spouses surprise when they find their stocking stuffed with the divorce papers. Ho ho ho?

9 - A Poisonous Snake

Experts agree, pets are a big no-no at Christmas time. Even if the snake doesn’t kill the recipient, explaining the gift afterwards is just awkward.

8 - A Punch in The Face

You may have heard the expression “Well, that’s better than a punch in the face!”. Most things are. Don’t give this to anyone.

8 - A Kick in The Groin

See above. Who wants or asks for this?

7 - Plastic Package Openers

You know why this gift sucks? How exactly do you open the damn package? Isn’t the point of receiving this gift the fact that you can’t?

6 - Anthrax

No one wants a horrible, horrible disease under their tree.

5 - Anything Star Trek

Even if you have a friend or family member who would appreciate it, why in God’s name are you encouraging it?

4 - Unusual Christmas Albums

Even albums that stand the test of time (Boney M rules!) only get pulled out and listened to once a year. Don’t make someone feel obliged to  listen to something like “A Billy Idol Christmas”

3 - Bad Perfume or Cologne

Just because you enjoy smelling like a train station bathroom, doesn’t mean I will.

2 - Best Wishes

Do I look like Alladin? I wish for someone who wasn’t too cheap or lazy to get me a gift.

1 - Anything With “Some” Assembly Required

If I wanted a puzzle, I would have asked for puzzle. Gifts requiring knowledge of multiple languages or advanced university degrees result in me giving you one of the above gifts (likely number 8 or 9).

As promised, I am an equal opportunity kind of guy. I’m sure many of you can come up with more and feel free to add them via commenting. Participation fever - catch it!!

10 - Population.

Sheer number wise, there’s a pretty big difference (about 10 times or so). What does this mean? Well, for instance any Canadian that pokes too much fun of our neighbour to the south can be beaten up by 10 Americans.

9 - Patriotism

I was almost going to put this as an advantage to Canada, but I think Canadians could do with having as much pride in our country as Americans do. Ex. In Canada you see flags in places such as the post offices and schools. In the States you see flags….well, everywhere. Literally. If the American flag was a picture of Dom DeLuise wearing a thong, it wouldn’t matter because the Yanks love their flag - and rightfully so.

8 - Athletics

Other than hockey I don’t think there is one sport we are consistently better at the U.S. than. Interesting factoid - Canada is the only country to host an Olympic Games and not win a gold medal - a feat we accomplished in both the winter AND summer games. Brutal.

7 - Entertainment

It could be a quantity over quality thing, but Canada just can’t produce many good television programs or movies. And you steal all of our talent like Celine (thank you) and Jim Carrey (we’d like him back, please). The above pic, actors Canadian, film location Australia, money? American.

6 - Intimidation factor

You’ve really got us here. U.S.? Hundred of thousands of soldiers, cutting edge technology, nuclear capability. Us? Not so much. For example, check out our desert camo. Again, not kidding here.

5 - Climate

Oh sure there are parts of the U.S. that are as cold and snowy as Canada, but there’s no part of Canada as sunny and warm as California, Florida and a bunch of other states. Of course we don’t get the hurricanes or poisonous creatures to the same extent either, but, you know…

4 - Electing people to important jobs rather than just giving them the job

Senators, judges and even the leader of your country all have to be elected. Who elected our Prime Minister? Calgary Southwest, I think? While there are kinks in the electoral college system, it still makes more sense than our Parliamentary System when it comes to leadership.

3 - The dollar (usually)

For a long time the Canadian dollar was nowhere near the American dollar and it made for iffy e-bay shopping and crappy exchange rates. Even when our dollar was (briefly) stronger than the U.S. dollar earlier this year, we still had to pay more for things like books and magazines. Grrrrrr.

2 - You get to be on all the cool reality shows

Survivor, The Amazing Race, etc. What do we have here? The 3 Day Book Contest on Book Television? Canada’s Next Great Prime Minister? (Assuming he or she can head a party that garners the most seats , although not necessarily a majority of Parliament, etc….)

1 - The American Dream

I’m not even sure there is a specific “American Dream”, but the fact that you have the expression means a lot. I think it means things like freedom of speech, a chance to be safe, make a living and follow your own dreams. I tried to google it, and the first thing I got was the above pic. Odd.

 Don’t worry, I also recognize that there are advantages the United States has over Canada and I will be addressing those in tomorrows write up.

10 - Our beer

Let’s be honest here, this one isn’t even close. Who can forget the classic Monty Python question “How is American beer like making love in a canoe?”

9 - We got rid of Celine and you took her in

 Self explanatory.

8 - Geography tests are much easier

10 provinces, 3 territories. That’s it. I still don’t understand what D.C. is really, let alone how Puerto Rico, American Samoa and other places fit in the whole “Made in the U.S.A.” scheme.

7 - We’re bigger

 Not population wise, but in terms of sheer landmass. We’re huge. Sorry. We also have the bigger falls at Niagara. Just sayin’…

6 - Hockey

 Sure, you kick our ass at baseball, soccer, football, basketball, NASCAR, golf, most Olympic sports and even professional poker. But man, are we good at hockey.

5 - Health care

 At least that’s what Michael Moore tells me. He’s 100 percent honest and on the up and up, right? Seriously though, our health care is pretty darn good. For now.

4 - Self deprecation

No matter what other people/countries say about us, you can guarantee that we said it first. Toque wearing, maple syrup drinking, moose loving sissies, you say? That’s us!

3 - One of our Prime Ministers throttled a heckler

 While I wasn’t necessarily a big fan of his, I never get tired of the picture.

2 - Insulin

 Yup, we discovered it and it is officially ranked as Canada’s greatest invention ever. There is a quick decline as we go down the list though, as for some reason five pin bowling ranks number four and the wonderbra number five. You can’t make this stuff up folks.

1 - Elbow room

8.3 people per square mile versus 80 people per square mile. Sadly, our lawns are a bitch to mow, and going next door to borrow a cup of sugar may require an overnight journey.

I recently found an interesting statistic about our politicians and how many days of work they will have put in between June 21, 2008 and January 28, 2009. Any guesses? If you said thirteen, step to the head of the class! That’s right, MP’s of all parties will have worked a total of less than three full business weeks in Ottawa since last summer.

So, are there jobs requiring even less attendance and effort than elected officials? You bet there are! Here is a list of such sweet plums, compiled by the dedicated staff here in the middleofnowhere.

10 - The Maytag Repairman

This is a controversial choice, as he did technically show up for work faithfully and was always in uniform. He was a dedicated employee and would likely have done the work if any was required. You created this monster, damn you Maytag!! Reportedly, the Maytag Repairman will receive an appointment to the Canadian Senate and will likely notice no appreciable change in his work.

9 - That Guy From Memento

Guy Pearce’s character in Memento has suffered a brain injury and can no longer form new memories. He relies on a series of polaroids and tattoos to help him piece together his current existence, but is easily swayed and manipulated by a series of unscrupulous and dangerous characters. All of this bears a freakish parallel to recently deposed Liberal leader, Stephane Dion.

8 - Newborns

Sure they can be cute, but trying to get them to do something productive is very difficult. Some of the luckier parents are able to put their kids to work as baby models, etc, but you still have to dote on them day and night. On the brighter side, all of the napping, crying and incontinence also makes them ideal for senate appointments.

7 - Manual Uribe and Other Really, Really Fat People
Manuel Uribe was for some time the world’s heaviest person, tipping the scales at over 1200 pounds. Even though he was unable to leave his bed for over six years, he managed to find love and was recently married - look for the special called “My Big Fat Mexican Wedding”. I’m not even kidding about this.

6-Castaways

These poor suckers actually have to do a lot of physical work but don’t get any money for it. It’s like the worst volunteer job in the world and there’s no chance you’re going to get any community recognition for it either.

5 - Bank Robbers

Robbing 13 banks in only a few months is possible, but hardly necessary. A lot of scouting and planning has to go into robbing a bank, I guess, but in terms of time spent at the actual “place of work”, it’s usually quite fast by all reports. A few minutes in and out, hopefully without getting shot or caught.

4 - Gold Diggers

This refers to people who marry rich people for the sole purpose of never having to work rather than people who literally dig for gold, who actually work quite hard. The flip side of this is having to pretend to like to touch these repulsive, disgusting rich folk. At least until they die.

3 - Santa

This man has a sweet operation. Doesn’t make the toys but rather has his union free operation do it for god only knows how low the wages are. Gets to arbitrarily decide who is “naughty” or “nice”. Has magic freaking reindeer to help him to fly at unimaginable speeds on his ONE workday a year to help him drop off all the gifts his sucker elves have made.

2 - Dead People (excluding zombies, who are technically the undead

There are some notable exceptions to this, most notably Bernie (from Weekend at Bernie’s 1 AND 2). Unlike their fully dead counterparts though, the undead have no problem finding work, particularly in music (see videos, Thriller) or Hollywood.

1 - People in comas

Although this is actually debatable as many people in comas are shown to have very active brains even while physically inactive - which is almost the exact opposite of many of our MPs who while physically active seemingly have very inactive brains.

I know it’s already been written to death but it’s seriously one of those moments that deserves it. The video of Dubya dodging those shoes is going to be one of the lasting images of his presidency. Remember his daddy’s most famous photo op? (Hint: “I don’t remember eating that.”)

Here’s one snapshot of the moment;

Here are some of my observations;

1) The fact that the size (10!) is one of the most reported details just cracks me up.

2) The look on Bush’s face after he dodged the first one, only to realize in horror, that this man is one of the few Iraqi’s that can afford two shoes.

3) The fact that the man had time to take off his shoe, throw it, take off his other shoe and throw it. Honestly, if the secret service aren’t going to take a shoe for you, what next?

It also reminds me of the difference of our leadership, their accessibility and how they handle confrontations. Anyone remember the last guy who got in a Canadian PM’s face? Did security tackle him? Not quite…

 Ah, those were the days…

Thanks to spinningfacts, middleofnowhere is the proud recipient of a Lemonade award - a seemingly self-perpetuating award shared amongst bloggers to recognize each others work.

Sadly, up here in the frozen tundra of the great white north, our lemons are well out of season and our water is all now in solid form, leading to the most popular lemon beverage being Neo-citran.

 The rules of this award for recipients:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!
3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post
4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

Here are the blogs I would like to recognize and give a shout out to from the middleofnowhere;

this e-mail may be confidential
mommagreenfish
recipemomma
rawmilkandrubberboots
homemaker
politicalbull
readworthynews
therelevantrhino
journeymanphilosopher
traveller

Please visit them all and enjoy!

Given the fact that the world is actually moderately interested in Canada with our current political fiasco, it’s time to help educate the masses and clear up some misconceptions about Canada.

My fellow blogger, “therog” and I feel that education is the key, so we’ve divided up some myths to tackle, some of which he will be covering. So I present to you my half - Canada;Myth or Fact!

Myth or Fact? Bilingual Provinces Don’t Work

Myth! Bilingual provinces DO work.

The prime example of this is New Brunswick which is actually Canada’s only official bilingual province (B.C rejecting Klingon as it’s official second language in a very close 2005 referendum).

The key to New Brunswick’s success is the complete and total isolation of the french and english from one another. Everything from hospitals, schools and even highways are completely separate. The main reason for this is the absolute and total hatred between the two groups. In rare occasions when the groups do cross, deaths are a common occurrence.

Myth or Fact? PEI is our beautiful island treasure. 

Myth! Fact - Prince Edward Island is a cesspool.

Despite it’s strength in marketing “beauty” and “quaintness”, Prince Edward Island is in fact one of the world’s most dangerous destinations. Essentially the main North American battleground between the Yakuza and the Haagendas crime families, two out of every three tourists to Prince Edward Island are ransomed.

The islands famed “red dirt” is actually oxidized sewage overflow and is 2-3 inches deep, island wide. As well, most Anne of Green Gables performers you come across are actually highly trained pick pockets, most of whom are armed with anything from crudely carved “potato shivs” to high powered hand guns (loaded with potato bullets).

Myth or Fact? The Canadian Prairies and the American Midwest are identical.

Myth! Fact - Our Prairies are entirely different from the American mid-west.

For one, there are literally zero covered bridges to be found on the Canadian Prairies. The Prairies are known for wheat, barley and corn, while the mid-west is known for wheat, barley and maize. As well, Canada’s cows are known for being “mad”, while mid-western American cows range from “somewhat perturbed” to “very upset”.

Perhaps the biggest difference, however, is the fact that American cowboys are renowned for their 10 Gallon hats, while Canadian cowboys are known for their 22.8 litre hats.

 Myth or Fact? Canada has a constitution.

Fact! Canada DOES have a constitution.

Canada’s constitution was written by combining the rules and regulations from the Tim Horton’s Roll Up The Rim contest with the National Hockey League handbook. As such, employees or family members of employees are ineligible to run for office - which resulted in the last 308 eligible Canadians all being acclaimed to the most recent Parliament.

The Canadian Constitution was also responsible for Stephen Harper being assessed a five-minute penalty for “unnecessary proroguing”.

Myth or Fact? Canada’s Parliamentary System is logical and cute.

Myth! Fact - Canada’s Parliamentary System is NOT logical or cute.

In actuality, the Canadian Parliamentary System was the result of a night of heavy drinking, a lost wager and a double dare one night in the early 1970’s. The closest actual model found in modern day records is the British comedy film “Benny Hill Goes to Parliament to Smack Some Bums”.

This movie contains the first recorded reference of the term “prorogue”. In the film, the term was used in reference to a bawdy female MP who was in favour of horny scoundrels or “prorogue”. Interestingly, a 12 year old Stephen Harper has an uncredited, non-speaking role as a Parliamentary page. Mr. Harper’s parents were reportedly huge fans of Mr. Hill and “well connected” within UK entertainment circles.

Myth or Fact? Canada loves gays, pot and free medicine. 

Myth! Fact - Canada loves gays AND LESBIANS, CHEAP medicine and HIGH QUALITY pot.

Homosexual women are not only accepted here, but also respected and admired members of our society (see Lang, k.d.). Despite the belief that we have free prescriptions, many necessary drugs may cost up a loonie, and in some very sad cases, a toonie. This is tempered only by the fact that many pharmacies will accept payment in Canadian Tire money. As for the pot, we only have the best hydroponically grown, medicinal grade weed available. It may cost more, but again most dealers will also accept Canadian Tire money.

For the continuation of this, check out http://therog.wordpress.com/