middleofnowhere

Children all around the world grow up playing games like tag, dodge ball and hide and seek. Imagine for a moment that your every waking moment was a giant game and you had no choice but to participate.Such is the life of beloved children’s character Waldo. Or at least it was until recently. Citing such reasons as burnout and increased homicidal tendencies, Waldo, it seems, has gone underground.

“I know some people are going to see this as a giant publicity stunt,” says Waldo, from an undisclosed location. “But honest to God, it’s one hundred percent legit. Don’t come looking for me. Seriously.”

“Do you know how stressful it is that no matter where you go, how big a crowd you’re in, that you have to deal with complete fucking strangers jabbing you in the chest with their fingers screaming ‘I found him!!’? continues Waldo.

While the frequency of such unpleasant encounters has diminished in recent years, the toll of never knowing when someone would find him started to wear Waldo out.

“They were coming into my home. Following me on vacation. They’re like a pack of wild dogs - like the god damned paparazzi” sighs Waldo. “I suppose part of this is my own fault for wearing the same stupid clothes for over 20 years. But no more. I burned all of my striped shirts, the toque - everything. Even had lasik surgery so I wouldn’t need glasses.”

So what about those thousands of people who will continue to ask “Where’s Waldo?”

“Fuck ‘em,” says Waldo. “Fuck them right in the eye.”

Setting; The Death Star 2.0, Emperor’s Chambers

Palpatine: Lord Vader, I trust that you’ve overseen the design and production of the armour upgrade for our Storm Troopers. Vader: I have, Master.

Alex Rodriguez probably thought that the worst was over when yet another story, one of helping opponents for personal gain was reported last week. Looks like that isn’t quite true - whoops!

The latest allegation to be leaked in the upcoming book on troubled baseball superstar may be the most damning yet. According to sources, during the off-season Alex Rodriguez is known to fly to the remote regions of China for the sole purpose of hunting Giant Pandas.“I don’t know where he gets it from but that dude has got a serious hate on for those black and white bears,” says an inside source. “The only way I can describe it is bloodlust. Plain and simple.”

According to this source, those in A-Rod’s inner circle have known about this hobby since he joined the Yankees, but new information shows that Rodriguez may have been hunting and killing the endangered animals as far back as high school.

“I’m not sure why he does it,” continues the source. “But I guess he figures it would be pretty cool to be the guy to complete kill of a species.”

When reached for comment on the newest allegations, Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner stated “Oh for fuck’s sake. Come on!”

I like the concept of Earth Day, I really do. What ticks me off though is how many people feel like they’re doing their part by being environmentally responsible by thinking of Mother Earth one day a year. Get over yourselves, ya lazy bums.

Still, one day a year is better than none and as such, here’s a list of ways you can make this Earth Day special.

1. Eat a Lumberjack

Make sure you’re as humane as possible about it, but trust me - there’s nothing as tasty as wild game. Lumberjack stew is a tasty treat each pot saves hundreds of trees. Mmm mmm.

2. Turn every conversation you have into a preachy lecture about the environment.

Here’s a sample;

Friend: Hey buddy! I haven’t seen you in a while. How are ya doing?

You: I’m better than the planet, that’s for sure. I’m not being raped daily. Polluted. Abused. Strip-mined. Did you know that every second of every day, 10 trees are cut down? And do you know how many are replaced? Do you? one! Can you believe that??  And you know what else?

Friend: No, I…

You: The amount of carbon produced by the average family of four in North America is 15 tons. Tons! Do you know what I think would help? I’ll tell you. CUtting back on all that carbon. It’s so simple!! I just..

Friend: Oh look, my bus (throws self in front of it)

3. Make embarrassingly impractical crafts out of your trash and then give them to your friends, obligating them to keep your garbage. Hilarity ensues.

4. Drive around town throwing litter out of your Hummer’s window.

This gives your environmentalist friends something to do. Plus, a Hummer holds a lot of trash!

5. When someone says “Happy Earth Day” reply loudly “You’re such a Gaylord!”, in honour of Senator Gaylord Nelson, creator of Earth Day back in 1970.

True story. Coolest Gaylord ever. No wait…first Gaylord Perry, then this guy.

6. Convince Electro to move into your community.

Energy crisis? Not anymore, baby!!

7. Show up all of those “100 Mile Diet” losers, with your “100 Foot Diet”.

Eat any and everything that is grown or happens to come within 30 metres or so of your house. For me, that would include a decent amount of veggies and herbs, birds such as crows (ick) and pheasants (mmm) and Jehovah’s Witnesses (depends how they’re prepared).

8. Trade in all of your modern appliances for older, energy efficient ones.

Washboards, enslaved minorities and women all will perform most domestic tasks at a fraction of the power. Helps the environment and saves money!

9. Plant everything you can possibly plant.

Walk around town with a shovel (bonus points if it’s a snow shovel or scoop) and ramdomly pick things up, dig a hole as nearby as possible, and plant them. Then exclaim “I can’t wait to see my (insert name of object here) tree grow!”

10. Two words - cattle brands.

Ask people if they know what day it is. If they know, yay! If they don’t, brand ‘em! A witty statement such as “Bet you won’t forget it next year!” will be sure to get a chuckle out of them.

April first is a jackass’s delight. It’s the one day a year you can be the prick you are the other 364 and yet pass of your behaviour as acceptable by adding the tagline “April Fools!”. That being said you do have some leeway but there are limits to what you should and shouldn’t do. Here are ten jokes that may be pushing things a little too far (at least in the opinions of your friends).

10. Planting drugs on someone.

This is particularly uncool just before they go through airport security or cross international barriers. Body cavity searches are never funny to the recipient.

9. Ransoming their vehicle/pet/child.

Anything that can end in your own felony conviction or a bloody shootout is probably better left undone. Isn’t it?

8. Travelling back in time and killing their parents preventing them from ever existing.

Logistically, this is very difficult to pull off. It’s bad enough that this joke requires murder (see above), but by erasing your friend’s very existence you don’t get to see the look on their face when you pull it off.

7. Throwing acid in their face.

Oh sure, it could give you both a few chuckles once the initial shock wears off, but - acid is expensive!

6. Ruining their credit.

Lots of legwork involved in forgery, identity theft, etc. And for what? Once their credit is ruined, they can’t really lend you money or buy you things.

5. Burning down their house.

Even if they have good insurance, this is a bit much.

4. Travelling forward in time, finding out how and when they die, travelling back in time and telling them the exact details and then giving them the nickname “cyclops”.

If you don’t get this one, read up on your mythology. Learn something today.

3. Contacting several crime families and identifying your friend as a “snitch”.

Collecting the price on their head is also way offsides.

2. Entering them in Mortal Kombat.

If you’ve done your research, you know how many of the contestants are mystical and even not human. Putting your friend into this contest, even though it’s bound to be pretty funny, is just too much.  Unless they have to fight Johnny Cage. Then they might win.

1. Complete reconstructive surgery while they are sleeping.

Even if they are really heavy sleepers you should maybe stick with putting their hand in some warm water or something. At most, maybe some botox or a nose job. Know your limits.

 Chris: Hey there folks, I’m Chris Wilson

Mark: And I’m Mark Jones. And together, we’re…

Chris and Mark: The Movie Dudes.

Chris: This week we review The Watchmen, the dark brooding graphic novel brought to life. As usual, to do justice to the film I’m reviewing I watched it twice taking in every detail possible.

Mark: I, of course, still haven’t seen the film and actually first heard of it a couple when I overheard a couple of losers geeking out at Starbucks.

Chris: Okay, let’s get down to it. Mark, I for one, was astonished by Jackie Earl Haley’s performance as Rorschach. This psychotic, yet sympathetic anti-hero is one of the most fascinating characters to grace the silver screen in recent years.

Mark: I have no idea what you’re talking about Chris. I am pretty stoked that one of the sweathogs has finally made it to the big screen but I’m a little disappointed that they didn’t have Ron Palilo keep his old role.

Chris: Ron Palilo? Who the hell is…

Mark: Ohh, ohh, ohh …Mr Kotter! Mr Kotter!

Chris: Are you high?

Mark: Rorschach, dude! Arnold Rorschach!!

Chris: Dear Jesus…First. It’s Horshack. And second. I hate you.

Mark: Noted….Moving on! The only thing I can remember hearing those dudes talk about is a blue schlong.

Chris: The nudity of the character Doctor Manhattan was also an eye-opener when the graphic novel was released back in 1986. Director Zack Snyder felt that he wanted to stay as true to the story as possible and made the decision to not shy away from the “little issue” of Manhattan’s full frontal nudity. In this case though, all of the nudity is actually CGI, with actor Billy Crudup not actually required to do the full monty.

Mark: Dude, that is so gay. And you saw it twice? Hahahahaha!!

Chris: Do you have anything else to add to this? Seriously?

Mark: I don’t think so. Run with it, dude.

Chris: Crudup’s performance as the only genuinely super-powered being on earth is also very powerful. Doctor Manhattan is clinging by a thread to his humanity, trying desperately to fit in with people he feels increasingly detached to as well as trying to…

Mark: Distract them with his glowing blue wang?

Chris: Just shut up.

Mark: Overall, The Watchmen sounds like a gay porno, so I’ll give it one star out of five and will likely never see it.

Chris: This movie had some brilliant performances and was true to the novel which should keep avid fans happy. It’s copious amount of blue penis as well as man ass, does make it seem like a gay porno at times, particularly with the two-hour, forty minute running time. 10 minutes of male nudity could easily be chopped by choosier editor. Three stars out of five.

Mark: That does it for this weeks show. Join us next week, when we review Monsters versus Aliens starring…..Sigourney Weaver, maybe? Is that right?

Chris: Tool. Until next week. We’ll see you….at the movies.

Mark: Or possibly in a bar. You know….where ever

Cliches surround us in all aspects of our lives. In fact, I’ll bet you that you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a cliche from where you are right now. It’s interesting that many cliches are just part of our everyday language and yet we have very little idea who originally came up with them in the first place. Some cliches are so old that not only do we not know who first said it, but the true origins of them are actually argued. Who argues about these sorts of things? Assholes, mainly. But, I digress.

In an effort to ingrain myself into the fabric of our societal quilt, I will throw out a few original cliches and see how they stick. If you like one and want to use it, leave a comment to let me know how it was received and if it has caught on in your part of the world.

Disclaimer: Side effects of the following expressions may include severe pummelling, smothering or anal leakage.

1. I’m as happy a priest at a scout jamboree.

Meaning: I’m really, really happy.

2. This is taking longer than an easter egg hunt in an Alzheimer’s ward.

Meaning: This might never end. Ever.

3. You’re such an idiot that I want to rip out my eyeballs and stuff them into my ears so that I will never have to look at you or listen to you again.

Meaning: Self mutilation is a much more pleasant option than dealing with you a moment longer.

4. He’s a few bodies short of a Bundy.

Meaning: I have no idea what this one means. You tell me.

5. She’s so nice, she’d hardly ever anally rape you with a sandpaper covered axe.

Meaning: She’s not very nice.

6. You’re as dedicated as OJ was to finding the real killer.

Meaning: You’re one lazy, lying sack of crap.

 Dear Ben,

I’m a woman and my dream is to become a priest in the Roman Catholic church. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Confused in Calcutta

Dear Confused,Bwahahahahahahahaha. Woooo. Seriously? Um, you might be s.o.l. I suppose you could get a penis attached and assume a false identity. Or, as Hamlet might say - “Get thee to a nunnery!”. Lol. Good luck!

I’m a devout Catholic and have been an active member of my local Parish for most of my life. I’m now in my late 20’s and have recently come to terms with the fact that I’m gay. I’ve never acted on these urges but I wonder how I can reconcile my feelings with my faith? Any suggestions?

Thanks,

Scared in Sodom

Dear Scared,Ewww. Ewwww. What the hell, dude? I touched your letter - I could catch the gayness from that, you thoughtless freak! You’re soooo excommunicated. Problem solved.

I’m a Nazi sympathizer and Holocaust denier who also happens to be pretty high up in the Church. Does this cause you any problems?

Just wondering,

Führerious George

Dear George,You might be surprised how far someone with alleged ties to the Nazi’s might go in the Church these days (wink, wink). Ask yourself these questions - 1) Am I a woman? 2) Am I gay? If you answered “no” to both of these questions, we’re cool.

I’m a health official working in Africa and I’ve got to say, I’m a little upset at your recent comments about condoms making the AIDS epidemic worse. What is this based on?

Sick of Holy Poop

Dear Sick,As has been well documented time and time again, the teachings of the Church, including abstinence have had a tremendous effect on reducing the number of AIDS related deaths on the continent (which is also the area of greatest growth for the Church). It’s not like there have been millions of AIDS related deaths there or something!! Wait…hang on, I’m just being handed the latest numbers. Hmmm…Really? 67 percent of the 32 million on the planet? Three-quarters of all deaths related to AIDS occurred there? But that’s down isn’t it….oh, it isn’t? Uh….gotta go!

10. Saint Patrick

Duh. Interestingly enough, Saint Patrick has never officially been canonized by a pope, meaning he’s not a saint, right? Wrong. He’s on the list of Saints, making him one of the earliest benefactors of the “fake it ‘til you make it school of thought. Congrats!

9. Leprechauns

Specifically , I’m thinking about the murderous leprechaun from the Leprechaun series in the 90’s. Awesomely bad and yet so, so good. There are special places in my heart for Leprechaun: In the Hood as well as Leprechaun 4: In space.

8. Lucky Charms

Horseshoes, four leaf clovers, rainbows!! They’re always after me lucky charms!! They’re magically delicious. (Warning - Consumption of actual horseshoes may result in death).

7. ” ______ Me, I’m Irish” apparel

The first time you see a “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” button, it’s kind of cute. Then you see it some the lumpy, stretched t-shirt of some mule and it becomes less so. Eventually you see “Touch Me, I’m Irish”, “Spank Me, I’m Irish” and finally Irwin, the fat guy in accounting, wearing a “Sodomize Me, I’m Irish” and the charm is truly gone forever.

6. Riverdance/The Lord of the Dance/Michael Flatley

It’s like “Stomp!”. Um, except there’s no props. Oh and there’s more dancers. And the costumes are much, much gayer. And the concept is entirely different. But other than that? Exactly the same.

5. Gaelic

Níl aon sean stoca nach bhfaigheann sean bhróg. There’s hope out there even for you, Ugly, Ugly Man.

4. Irish Stew

Not the actual, traditional dish that by all reports is quite amazing. No, I’m talking about the canned product made by Puritan. I’ve lived on this stuff for pretty much all of my life, which judging by the amount of preservatives etc contained within each can, should be about 45 years, max. They also have another product just called “Beef Stew” which is the exact same thing, but given the choice, I will always buy Irish Stew. Mmmmm.

3. Shillelagh

If the WWE has shown me nothing else, it’s that these babies are great for cracking people with. Any stick with an end actually called “the hitting end” is all right by me.

2. Guinness

You truly have not lived until you’ve had Guinness. Even if it’s the worst experience of your entire life (possible), you can’t really call it a life until you’ve tried Guinness. See the pickle you might find yourself in? Also associated with the world records thingy, which no doubt arose from drunken arguments. “You call tha’ wee thing the begges’ horse in Derry County, Seamus? Me cousin Finn has one twice as beg, don’ ‘e Paddy?”

1. Religious Differences

To grossly oversimplify global political-religious issues, while the United States are so concerned with the entire Muslim-Christian dynamic, there are places where even the Christian-Christian dynamic has worked poorly for many generations. This is the “My Jesus Can Beat Up Your Jesus” or “Jesus Likes Us Better” syndrome.

Honourable Mentions: The colour green, Colin Farrell and House of Pain (Jump Around!)

 Scene: Stereotypical Therapists Office. Middle aged man wearing cords and a sweater is seated in one chair, holding a pen and notepad. The other man (quite large) wearing coveralls and a hockey mask is seated a few feet away. Next to him is a burlap sack with several rusty and/or bloody implements sticking out.

Doctor: So….another Friday, the you-know-what, has come and gone. Did you have a nice weekend?

Jason:…

Doctor: Anything exciting or interesting happen?

Jason: (sighs - puts his face in his hands and slowly rubs)

Doctor: Jason?

Jason: I dunno, doc. I….I wonder I’m stuck in a rut you know?

Doctor: Well….do you think you’re stuck in a rut?

*Ding*

Jason: Oh right. Heh. Thanks.